I'm Julie, standing tall at five foot six inches. Turning 15 officially December 7th this year, (: Currently living in Torrance, California, dominated by my people, the Koreans. A student at Jefferson MS, soon to be a ninth grader at West HS. A happy TA of Ms. V, Student Council member. Basically a kid at heart (I'm still 14, I haven't 'grown up' yet!) because I watch Disney Channel as if my heart depends
on it, and still get excited at new episodes on Nickelodeon. I love any music, as long as the lyrics/song are catchy // meaningful // moving // soothing. My favorite number is SEVEN, and my favorite color is SCARLET. Get to know me, (: You'll love me.
Promise, (;

so, let's look back at 2009, shall we?

all i rememberr is:

- drama with certain people.
- lots of complicated emotions.
- lots of breaking down.
- more opening up to people than i'm used to.
- one hell of a great summer.
- NO crushes.
- finding out more about myself.
- more strength.
- lots of ups and downs.

how about 2010? (:

- getting closer with people i didn't expect to be close to.
- an almost-crush, but i'm over it noww, chicas.
- more responsibility, dawgg.
- becoming a better person, really. i'm still not perfect, but hey, i'm trying to be nicer and i'm trying to care.
- more stress, -____-.

sounds pretty good, i guess.
i miss '09 summer. i was at the beach almost everyday, hanging out with so many people. then we got to school, and the people i hung out with CHANGED. some for the better (ye-ji), and some for the worse ( triple B plus the P?). gar. sometimes, i really hate change. but at the same time, i want change so badly in my life. i want myself to be changed, really. i want to be kinder. i mean, i'm kind of... a bitch. i mean, sure, i act all nice sometimes, and sometimes it's genuine. sometimes, i actually care how you feel.

but most of the time, i'm doing it just to stop your whining about how you're ugly and fat and how nobody cares about you. do you really think i care what you think of yourself? maybe you ARE ugly and fat. maybe nobody DOES care about you. that's your problem, why are you making it mine?

i think the people i can say i REALLY care about, not in the fake way, but in the real, heartbreaking love kind of way, is my family. definitely my family. we're not perfect, but honestly, looking at other families, we're pretty damn close to it. i'm so lucky, and i know that, even though it doesn't always seem like that. i'm constantly thankful for all the blessings i have in my life, thanks to God, you know?

speaking of God.

i really don't like how whenever i say God or something like the 'i'm constantly thanking God...' makes people think i have to be some perfect crazy christian. i'm not. i struggle reading the Bible. i don't really know how to pray, and when i do, i feel stupid. i doubt sometimes, though not as much as i used to. i feel stupid because... well, doesn't a conversation take two? stuff like that. i mean, i'm the farthest thing from a good christian, too. i'm just doing what i can with what i have. i can't say i'm doing my best, because i know i'm a lazy ass. i could list all of my flaws here.

i'm lazy.
i'm plain.
i hate my tummy. it sticks out.
i don't care about much.
i lie, no shit. i lie about how i'm feeling, what i think about you... i really don't like seeing people react when i tell them the truth. so i just do whatever.
i hate opening up to people. it makes me feel weak.
i hate crying even more. it makes me feel like a fucking idiot.

about the last two:
i wish i could open up to people more. i wish i would cry around people and not feel ashamed. i want a close friend, i really do, i really want to be able to call someone and say, "i feel like shit. blah blah blah blah," and start crying, because... well, when i do talk to someone, issues i didn't even know i had start coming out and i learn more about myself.
but i don't react to struggle like that.
i react by closing up, forgetting about it. i react by talking to others and socializing. i react with school, going out and laughing like crazy and being silly. at night, my usual time of reflection and 'deep thinking,' i guess, i avoid the topic of whatever's going on in my life. i just think about what happened today, analyze certain thing that confuse me, remind myself of things that i need to remember (school stuff, usually), and think over and over: "wake up early, wake up early, wake up early."
that's what i usually do every night, though, to be honest, (x

wow, this is longer than i thought it was going to be.
ehh. i have lots to say, i guess. nobody lets me go on and on like that except the internet, lol. people always interrupt and say, "YEAH, I..."
mhmm. yeah, (x
well, that's all i gotta say for now, because this is a LOT to read. bye now, (:

with love,
julie hong.